Early on when we were first together, we each felt very unprepared to have children, physically, financially, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. We weren't ready to make that commitment. Neither of us, even when we were quite young, ever felt that we were "parent material." We felt unusual and different - each of us had always felt out of place in our life situations. So, as we grew up and grew older, the choice not to have children didn't seem unusual to us, it seemed natural and expected.

One of us came from a family of neglect and abuse, and one from a family of tremendous guidance and nurturing. It's interesting that we both ended up on common ground of not wanting to contribute to a world of unguided souls. If we were ever going to have children, we were going to make sure that the situation was very good and very focused. We did not feel we were ready for all that. One of us feared a passing on of negative, angry childhood habits and reactions, and one of us feared not being able to pass on totally upbeat, loving patience. We felt awed by the prospect of attempting to raise a balanced, happy being.

We have also felt that the planet is very over-populated, and haven't wanted to contribute to loading down the world. We've wanted to add something to the world, add things that it needs, and it certainly looks to us like it needs alot of nuturing and caring without adding the weight of more people. This has also been a big factor in our considerations.

We've been together since we were 25, for 14 years, and have been in perfect agreement from the beginning that parenthood for us was unlikely. We were raised in southern and central California, and chose homesteading as an occupation. This is a very demanding and active lifestyle with plenty of physical hardships. Throughout history, having children has been a big part of this lifestyle, but it seemed to us that nurturing both children and the land properly was an overwhelming task. As it turned out, we moved several times for various unpleasant reasons, and if we had had children, we wouldn't have had the flexibility to make major changes and follow our hearts. The trials of living a rural lifestyle in a speeding, money-motivated system has been quite enough of a challenge for two lone adults.

Over the years, we have felt tested time and time again. Among other things, we had a lot of birth control problems. Standard methods did not work for us. We tried birth control rationally and consciously and nothing was working. We were in the position of having a few abortions, two self-induced. We felt there were souls wanting to incorporate through us. But we felt sure we were not ready for this and maybe later we would be, but we could not make that decision at the time. We felt very tested. We felt like we were being asked and we were making a conscious decision of, "no thank you, not right now." This later turned into a permanent lifestyle decision of, "no, not in this round, not in this body."

We knew that each person could find their center and come to a consciousness where they are directing, "yes now - or - no not now." We were doing very well along these lines when all of a sudden after six years of successful birth control, we were pregnant again, apparently due to double ovulation. As homesteaders in a rugged setting working seven days a week and very cash poor, birthing was out of the question. With two close friends, we worked and meditated and centered, let the being know what was needed, and had a "spontaneous" abortion within three days. This experience was very intense for us. We offered the fetus back to the earth, and swore, never again - there has to be a better way. The situation is permanently under control now, and we feel good and healthy about that. This is not to say we didn't have our doubts along the way, "what are we doing? why are we so fertile? what is this process? are we being selfish?" Testing testing.

We know that abortion should not be used for birth control. We all have the choice to be pregnant or not pregnant if we can learn how. But sometimes in learning, physical problems arise to prevent success. Our feeling is that if a child is going to be neglected or mistreated or unloved, what is the quality of that life? Why bother? Why bring a child into the world just because it's in your womb if you're not going to love and guide it carefully? A common attitude seems to be, "Oops I'm pregnant again - well it's my duty and responsibility, I really don't want to but my husband and priest and friends say it's the right thing, so I'll just go ahead." We both have said no thank you to this mode of operating. Many times we have seen that it results in difficult lives filled with turmoil, and that the same unhappy, inflexible patterns are passed to offspring.
It seems in America, quantity is usually placed above quality. The right-to-life issues stress quantity above all. It doesn't seem to matter that some of these children will face lack of quality care, lack of physical resources, and in later life, lack of the deep-rooted self-esteem necessary for a fulfilling life. For every unwanted child, there is at least one unwilling parent. Each of us has a choice, and to parent unwillingly is anti-life. If each of us would attend to our personal development, the children born would be healthier, happier souls, like their parents.

We realize that this outlook on child-bearing is very difficult for some. We feel we have succeeded in making peace with our ancestors. The ones who have gone beyond know the wholeness, have a bigger perspective. We trust that they understand our decision because they have realized life's continuity. But making peace with living relatives has not been as straight-forward. As one of us has three siblings with sixteen offspring, namesake is not an issue there. But the other is from a small family with no named offspring, and prospective grandparents are not too happy about being grandchildless. It's natural to take pride in our genes and good or unusal qualities and want to pass them down. To us, it's just as natural to pass on good qualities and visions to whatever "family" may be around us, regardless of bloodlines. The question has been how to attend to our own growth and still please the family. When we all get down to the nitty-gritty and talk about essence, our decision is OK with relatives. We're unusual , but it's OK, and they would be thrilled if we had a kid!

Our relationships with people with children are good if somewhat distant. There's a difference of emphasis, interests, schedules, activities. We get along very well with them but don't spend a lot of time together. And, sometimes people react to us like we're not normal or not responsible. There's a surprise and wonderment of, "How can you make this decision? Everyone has kids!" They infer that we haven't grown up because we haven't had children. People of other cultures, especially, are in total disbelief that anyone could think like this. There are probably a lot of parents who, if they had done it consciously, wouldn't have had children. So it could be that there is a certain envy of childlessness. A few of our conversations have run, "Well, we can't afford the time and money to do that like you lucky people," to which we respond, "and we made the decision to have that time and money, just as you made the decision to do what you're doing." We definitely admire people with children - child-rearing is one of the most demanding things there is.

Our relations with children are excellent. Perhaps because we have time and patience for them, they seem attracted to us, and we certainly enjoy them. The aunt and uncle roles suit us well. Other cultures have co-parented and shared or traded as a way of life, a boon for both parents and children. The focus of children in a nuclear family is far more limited and narrow than that of children raised in community. If there were more uncles and aunties around, parents wouldn't feel so burdened. The joy that children bring could be shared, which would be of benefit to everyone.

We hope that these words will help people see that there are many kinds of parenting. There's so much work to be done on so many levels, and it doesn't necessarily have to be manifested through having a baby.

Personally, we have shared quality time and parenting with each other, and that has been wonderful. Overall, our life goal is to set an example of nurturing the land and others. We've managed to build four different integrated life systems, with independent water and utility systems, gardens and orchards, bridges and dwellings. We've attempted to walk lightly on the earth, contributing to the planet rather than consuming from it. We've had the privilege of sharing the world's bounty with others, in the form of food and shelter, rest and relaxation, and hopeful thoughts and visions. In spite of the difficulty of moving and starting over several times, we feel good that each place we left was greatly improved, as were we. Over the years, literally hundreds of people have come around to get a little shot in the arm, or a little homestead hit, or a vision of a healthier world. They have come for a day to a year at a time, and have gone away with skills and with a knowledge of stewarding the land.

The "family" we have is large and varied. The first part of the time we lived in Oregon, the majority of our friends were older grandparents. We shared a lot with them because they were interested in the earth, nature, and outdoor projects. We really value our older friends, and consider them wise and gracious. They can parent us and we can parent them, and this has been very central in our growth. We've also co-parented various children, as well as been temporary home for wanderers and single adults. With this has come a little foster-parenting of unhappy teenagers whose parents had no more time and patience, plus the inevitable marriage-counseling which a happy marriage draws. On a community level, we have been involved in ecology work, appeals for forest practices reforms, volunteer reforestation, teaching, and ambulance service.

We have had the strength and energy for this demanding lifestyle because we have had time for ourselves, time to develop inner resources. We think it's important to talk about personal growth as a life project and goal. In this society, it's been forgotten, pushed back, called selfish. It's important to talk with family about what it is to feel right with yourself, and if you don't, how can you produce a happy child? The body is the temple of the spirit, and if the temple is out of whack, how can you praise God? Many people would consider that having a child helps their personal growth, and maybe it does for some. And maybe it's time to look at it in a new way, "let me get myself together first." Each person chooses their path, hopefully with consciousness and with world vision.

Like many childless couples we've encountered, we have a deep faith in the future, even though we don't have genetic children. The definition of family is broadening at last, and we're free to be close to and familiar with those of our choosing, not just of our bloodline. We appreciate living in a time and age when we can consciously decide to live our lives as we choose. We trust in the extended family; we've nurtured it and it has nurtured us. We trust that, rather than our own children, our future security will be our skills and homestead and operative life systems. We have experienced the possiblities and potential growth, and believe in the continuity of a healthy land and community. Our spiritual perspective and our peace with death underlie our feeling that we are living complete and happy lives.

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