In my hair salon I definitely work on more, much more, than just hair. I feel a connection with the crowning halo of hair, and the level of sharing that goes on is deep. It's very common that the clients will talk about children and parenting, and the conscious choice to have or not to have children.

Doing hair, like massage, is a really intimate experience with people. It's a very relaxing time when people can come in and forget about the rest of their day. They don't have to answer the phone or change diapers. There's an understanding between us, a level of trust that people feel instinctively from me that when something is shared in my shop, it doesn't go any further. What is shared there is very special. People come in and have their head massaged and worked on, so they tend to open up and relax. Getting a haircut is an accepted way to do that, even for people who are not comfortable with massage. Generally, there's no hangup about getting your hair cut, where there might be about getting a massage. It's a way of breaking through a lot of preconceived notions about touch. When people are in the chair, when they're relaxed, barriers come down. I've had people whom I've never laid eyes on before walk in for the first time and tell me very intimate things about their lives, either current or past.

As to how I chose the name "Genesis" for my business, I'll back up and give that a little foundation. It's only been in the last few years that I have really looked at my life in general. I don't sit down and think things out. Major decisions in my life have been intuitive, on the feeling level. When I went into the business of hair dressing, I didn't sit down and think, "What are the benefits? How much money will I make? What kind of health insurance?...." I didn't do any of that. I watched a lady do a haircut, and I was fascinated! Within a month, I was putting myself through night school. My decisions have come to me on that level. When I took over the business, I was going through all the permit process and trying to choose a name. I was trying to think it out, and writing down all these names, and they just weren't right. Then one day, I was sitting in the shop looking at a magazine, and there was a product called the Genesis 2000, and it hit me. I thought, "Oh, that's it." It was so obvious that that was the name, but it didn't even sink into my thick skull what Genesis might mean. And it has been my genesis, it has been such a birthing for me. It has been my child. And in many ways, it has been my parent.

My decision about parenting has gone through an evolution. As a little child I imagined I'd have a large family, lots of kids. I came from a family of six girls. My mother first adopted two girls, thinking she couldn't have children. And over the next few years had four more girls. So I come from a large family. A lot of female energy. It was wonderful. I enjoyed the family, the companionship. There was always someone to play with, if not someone to squabble with, always someone there to share with. So as a little kid growing up, I always imagined that I would have a lot of kids. I even had a list of names. From an early age, I was definitely headed for mothering.

I was married first at the age of 19. It was a situation that I knew wouldn't last, but I was so quiet and shy and insecure that I wasn't sure how to pluck myself out of it before I got into it, so I got married. I knew that in that situation, I did not want children because it wasn't going to last. At least I had enough awareness in that state of insecurity to prevent pregnancy.

My second marriage was to my childhood sweetheart whom I loved very, very dearly. I wanted children, but not right away. The decision had evolved somewhat by then too, because I realized I didn't want a large family. I thought I'd want two children. In the beginning of our marriage, we didn't try to get pregnant. The timing didn't seem right. Financially, it didn't seem quite comfortable for either of us, so I used birth control for a year or two. When we decided to try to get pregnant, I had been using the IUD. I had it taken out. We tried for a while and nothing happened. We tried doing the basal thermometer, and I took my body temperature faithfully for a year or more but nothing happened. I figured the reason I couldn't get pregnant was going back a few years I had an infection from an IUD, and I thought perhaps it had scarred my tubes. I knew that if I wanted to, I could have the scar tissue removed. During this time, I was going through a lot of emotional changes. The relationship was changing. I was feeling myself growing older... I was 29, 30. I wasn't thinking I was too old to have children, but looking at the whole picture, at the change of relationship, and at not feeling exactly sure that I still wanted children. It's a decision that should be very clear and conscious.

A lot of my reservations about parenting stemmed from my marriage relationship. I was the one that was working and making the money. I couldn't see how having a child was going to work. Not that I have to have everything laid out in front of me, but I couldn't see how that was going to work since I was the one supporting the family. I had a stepson so there were three of us.

And that is a another whole chapter, because step-parenting is very different from having your own child. There's no pregnancy, that nine months to adjust. Referring to the stepchild situation, there isn't, perhaps, that special bond there. In my mind, I resented the fact that in my new relationship with my childhood sweetheart, right out of my fantasies, we couldn't have our honeymoon time. I was immediately thrust into parenting because his son lived with us. There was resentment there I wasn't ready to acknowledge. And then, of course, there was guilt over the resentment. There were cobwebs, a lot of stuff. Step-parenting is difficult because you're handed a family.

So, as time went on in my marriage, and things changed between my husband and me, I was glad the pregnancy didn't happen. I wasn't sure then that I didn't ever want to have children, but I realized childlessness was a possibility for me.

The changes I have gone through in my life have given me fulfillment, and I've found that I am fulfilled within my being, that I don't need to experience motherhood and the birthing process and parenting to feel fulfillment. It's a light feeling, it's very clear. Where I stand now, I give myself the option to change my mind in the next 2 or 3 years, but I don't want to be 40 and pregnant. It wouldn't feel right to me.

I never went through a period of feeling guilty about not wanting children. I was never pushed by either of my parents. They weren't like that. They have lots of grandchildren. Four of my sisters have kids. A lot of my need for family and companionship comes from my close relationship with my nieces and nephews.

And now companionship has come into my life in other ways. My business is wonderful. I have contacts with a wide variety of people from totally different social, religous and economic circles coming to me. I don't have to go out, they come to me. We share, we talk, laugh. I have so much. So that is one area of my life that has definitely been fulfilled without having children.

Another area in my life that has seen fulfillment is in learning about unconditional love. When families break up these days, we don't often see a continued connection. It seems that the importance of family isn't taken to heart. We can love our children, just love them, even though they can be little stinkers sometimes. My husband and I are not together anymore, but we're family. He will always be my friend. And I still feel like a mother to my step-son. I will always love them. There's no question about that.

I have a sense of a blurring of the line between who is family and who is not. In this community, here in Mt. Shasta, I have family. I lived here until I was ten, and I've been back for ten years. So this is home to me. The family I have here are not people I knew before. They are people I have come to know since I've been back. Most have come to me through my business and have just opened themselves to me. We have found love; there is that sense of family. Sometimes I feel like I'm on the receiving end of parenting in this family. I feel like I am given so much love and attention, caring and companionship.

I realize that my work here is far more than clipping locks. My work is a gift to the planet in that the openings in my life, my searchings, my heightened awareness is being shared, and I feel that through my sharing with the people that come to me there is definitely a heightened level of their consciousness. It's the ripple effect. They, too, go out and share. My work here is to learn and share love and gratitude. We have such a wonderful place to do it! I feel it's extraordinary to have been born here in Mt Shasta. To have this as my beginning place is very, very special.

In all, I'm totally comfortable with my decision not to have children. My life is full and very happy. I know there will be things I'll miss, but when my life is weighed and measured, I'm sure the scales will be balanced.

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